40-Day Bare Face: Day 5 - Liturgy & Lipstick

Alarm. Why. so.early. Who do I need to kill for this?  What day is it?

Sunday. Church. What am I going to wear?

I should have set my clothes out last night.  

I need coffee before I can solve this problem.

I have that red sweater clean. We’ll go with that.

 Oooh. That red sweater means red lipstick.

Yesssss…I love Today, I just decided.

Ok. Hair. I like the buttons on the back of that sweater, so I should probably put it up.

Hmm. It’s still curly from last night. Ponytail with a red ribbon. And a braid in front. Done.

I love this ribbon.  I think it came on that Christmas present from Mom.

 Man. I want to make things beautiful like she always does.

Wow. You can tell I had a good time last night. Those are some DARK circles.

Don’t care. It was worth it. That was a good beer. And everyone knows I’ll lose sleep for conversation like that, no question.  That thing he said… I wonder if he meant…? I must remember to follow up with him about that thought…eh. I’m probably the only one who’s still caring about that point. Still…

Where is my MAC concealer? That’ll help. Man. I love this Laura Mericer powder. It sure evens things out. I hope it lasts through this crazy day.

This reminds me of that conversation I had with Cortney about blonds having blotchy skin. Go ahead and try, you olive-skinned, dark-featured people. You JUST TRY to understand what we blondes are dealing with here. Yeah. “Blondes have more fun”, but we have to work a little harder to make sure last night's "fun" doesn’t show the next day.

There. That’s nice and even.

Even, but pale. Now some blush so I don’t look dead.

Ok, if I’m doing red lipstick, and this is church, minimal eyes.

 Don’t kid yourself. You don’t even know what “minimal” means. It’s all you can do to neglect those false eyelashes over there.

True. But I do NOT need false eyelashes for a Sunday. Technically, I don’t need them ever. #firstworldproblems and all that.

Besides, this is great mascara. I am glad the Sephora girl pointed it out.

Yikes. I look like a Kewpie Doll. Where is that lash comb? Ooh. I bet this other mascara will make them longer. And one more coat for good measure.

Eyeliner. Today? Like the Pan Am girls. Those are such cool cat eyes. I was born in the wrong era. Whoops. Too much. Fix that. We’re not going for Amy Winehouse, here. 

This MAC gel liner looks like a pot of fountain pen ink. I love that I get to put it on my face. Maybe that was Amy Winehouse’s problem. She liked the feel of gel liner, too.

No. That was NOT Amy Winehouse’s problem. She had bigger ones. She really needed Jesus. And less drugs. No drugs. She needed NO drugs. And real mercy for all that pain. Lord, I don’t know of  any, but I know there are people in Your church today with hearts that hurt like hers. Please have mercy on them. Bring them comfort and freedom. Show me how I can help.

Where is my eyeliner brush?  I have GOT to clean out this bag. I don’t need all this stuff.

I don’t need all this stuff. Now I sound like Lindsay.

But I DO need this new Urban Decay Shadow! I forgot I had that!

I can’t believe I’m donning an eye shadow called “Sin” for a Sunday Morning. I’m probably going to hell for that. Oh great. My other one is called “Midnight Cowboy Rides Again.”  If I don’t tell people that, no one will ask what he was riding… They might ask, though, why I have glitter on my face. Don’t care. This eyeshadow is pretty and I can wear what I want. But “Midnight Cowboy…” to church??

Ok. This is funny but it’s also Sunday morning. I need to get my head in the game.

God, grant me the ability to see Your people with Your eyes, this morning. Holy Spirit, please begin now bringing me present with Your Presence and the Father’s people.

Where's my...?  That’s right. I left my lipstick in my Kate Spade bag from last night. I think I’ll just keep using this bag today. It goes with my sweater.

It’s a good weekend when I get two days in Dior Red lipstick AND my Kate Spade bag. Remember Lord? Remember when you gave me this bag? And my lipstick was a gift from mom, too—or, YOU, rather, but through Mom. Thank you for blessing me with such vibrant beauty I can carry and wear. It's hard to forget you love me with these.

Oh! I can also wear my Kate Spade London Calling Bracelet from Beth! I LOVE that bracelet.  God, bless Beth and Ben today. Bless them the way they have blessed me.

Lipstick. I came out of the bathroom for my lipstick. Ooh. There’s a little coffee left. Ok. Finish coffee. Brush Teeth. THEN Lipstick.

Where’s my watch? Bathroom Counter. Damn. Is it really that late? 

Guess I’ll do my lipstick in the car. 

Wonderings and Wanderings

I rue the demise of Google Reader and its capacity for sharing. I miss my passionate, scholarly community with great taste and interesting attentions.

Lately, I've been finding things online and emailing them to friends, who sort of indulge me here and there by glancing at them. I didn't expect more than that with Google Reader, either, but Email isn't fitting for this sort of casual dissemination.

I thought I'd try something new, based on a blog I've been reading for a while. He does something called "The Weekly Town Crier" where he does sets of links of interesting internet things, and I enjoy them. He mostly posts on Fridays. I can't say how regular I'll be, but maybe if I consistently did this, it would lessen the inbox burden I can sometimes create for you.

Enjoy!

• Foo-Fighters frontman Dave Grohl  talks about a documentary that inspired his music career, while he's promoting an interesting one he made himself. I loved this quotation: "I honestly believe if you had more stuff, like music documentaries, or live performance shows, that people would be more involved and love music more. Because you can see that it’s people.” Yes. Music isn't must music. It's people.

• California-based mega-retailer Amoeba Music, the last big record store on the block, has moved into the digital age with both feet, with its inauguration of a revamped website. And possibly the most intriguing element of that site, and a direct reflection of Amoeba's dig-deeper philosophy, is the so-called Vinyl Vaults section -- thousands of rare and out-of-print LPs, 78s and 45s that flow through the company's three outlets in any given week -- now available for sale via download. READ THE REST here.

• Why Men Still Hate Going To Church - An article in Leadership Journal makes a few suggestions about what we need to do to make church more palatable to men. An excerpt that stuck out to me: "I get more pushback from men who are well-established in the church than I do from women. Women sense the need. Women see their husbands bored. They see their sons dropping out. They see their brothers irreligious. They sit on the pew with nine other women. They know the situation on the ground."

• An insane surfer sets the world record for tallest wave ever surfed. This was amazing.
  

• A famous article in the Atlantic about Introverts that mainly started the conversation about introverts and extroverts, and its follow-up piece about the dating life of introverts and extroverts. The woman in this TED talk about the Power of Introverts is less belligerent than the Atlantic guy is, but I'm really stuck on the subject of Introversion and Extroverts because of the bizarre chemistry of our leadership team. My friend Nathanael would dislike most of these because they work in stereotyping and don't really address the complexity of the relational and internal worlds of both introverts and extroverts.
  

• My friend Troy  thinks about Henry David  Thoreau and Facebook today: "Much of the time, when I look at Facebook (or Twitter, or Instagram, or whatever other social medium), I end up wondering what the point is. Did I learn anything? Did I add anything of value to my life? We live in a time when instant (or near-instant) communication is viewed as a great achievement, a time when almost everyone has the ability to say almost anything to almost anyone...I should say: I'm not a Luddite. But I am worried about something that I think Thoreau points to here, to our inventions being "pretty toys" and "improved means to an unimproved end," and I think we'd all be better served by a serious consideration of the ends, than by a fascination with the newest means."

• The Clocks at Grand Central Station Are Permanently Wrong, And they're that way on purpose. I loved this. But my clocks are also all wrong.
  
  
  
  
• A new band I found, The Lone Bellow, covers a tune by John Prine, another folky new favorite. This is a good introduction to them both. The Lone Bellow covers John Prine's "Angel From Montgomery".  --There are some tight harmonies and a good percussive guitar style that make re really excited for what 2013 holds for these guys. They are trying what Delta Rae was going for, only they do it better. You may also really like their track "The Two Sides of Lonely". HERE is the review of their album in PASTE magazine.
  

• This list is hilarious. It has Marvin Gaye, the Beatles, Dave Matthews.. Some of these are really spot-on. Sort of a Rorschach Ink-blot test for music nerds. What Your Favorite Record as a Kid Says About You Now

•  Avant-garde musician Beck Hansen recently produced a new “album,” Song Reader, that was not released in stores or via mp3 files. Instead, he released the score and asked his fans and other musicians to upload their interpretations of the score for others to hear. The tagline on the website says, “Only you can bring Beck Hansen’s Song Reader to life.”  THIS author thinks all this is somewhat of a metaphor for what God did for us with the scriptures. Thoughts?

Prayer and Ethics

Personal Ethical Statement

As a minister, member of my spiritual community, and follower of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God and Savior of the World, I believe I am called by God to proclaim His love. I am also called to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God each day. (Micah 6:8). As I move through each day, I follow the path of conduct as revealed to me by scripture and when I pray the Orthodox prayer of the Optina Elders. I adopt the following principles so that by further prayer, practice, and self-discipline, and reliance on Grace, I may testify to the love of God and become a worthy example for those I seek to lead and serve each day.

The Prayer of the Optina Elders

Grant unto me, O Lord, that with peace of mind I may face all that this new day is to bring.

•    I will set apart Jesus Christ as Lord of this day and all of my activities, events, and relationships. I will be prepared to give an answer to any who ask about the peace I have in my day. (1 Peter 3:15)

Grant unto me to dedicate myself completely to Your Holy Will.

• I shall give my undivided love to God. (Deut. 6:5) I will not spend this day pursuing the false idols of wealth, comfort, security, or power.

• I will pursue the path of obedience. This includes yielding to God as He speaks to me, in accordance with the guidance He has already provided in His Word. I believe all Scripture comes from God and is useful in discerning His will and instructing others in that discernment.  (Ex. 20, 2 Timothy 3:16). Wherever possible, I will use scripture to guide my own behavior to the best of my understanding, and I will counsel others by its teachings to the best of my understanding so that we may be in accordance with God’s will.
• I will yield to the authorities instituted by God for my own safety and well being, because they can guide me toward the will of God.  (1 Pet. 2:13-17). This includes the civil government (Rom. 13:1-11),  church government (1 Tim. 2), family government, and community relationships (Heb. 10:24-25, Eph. 5:21)

For every hour of this day, instruct and prepare me in all things.

• As a Christian, minister, teacher, and member of my community, I commit to regular and sufficient time for development of intellectual and spiritual capacities. This includes study of the bible, current thought, and the expressions of the human experience as found in art, music, and literature so that I may better apprehend God’s nature and its daily revelation to people; and so also that I may use my skills, talents, and gifts to bring glory and honor to Christ and my community.

•  I will manage my time, resources, relationships, and gifts so that I can maintain vitality in my ministry as well as physical, emotional, mental, and relational health in my family and community. (Eph. 5:15)

Whatsoever tidings I may receive during the day, teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm conviction that all eventualities fulfill Your Holy Will.

•   To the best of my ability, I will respond to the events and news of the day with peace, grace, hope, joy, and love, through prayer and practicing the presence of God.

•  I will not complain (Phil 2:14) and I will rejoice and offer prayers of thanksgiving in response to ALL things. (Phil. 4:4-7)

•   I will communicate with others in a way that facilitates their tranquil acceptance of the events and news of the day, humbling considering the needs of others as I discern where and how to speak. (Phil. 2:3)

Govern, Lord, my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.

•   I will make every effort to be self-controlled and alert, preparing for action, and controlling my thought life so that I may grow in peace and obedience, both internally and  by my actions. (1 Pet. 5:8, 2 Cor. 10:5)

•   I will make every effort to speak the truth, as best as I understand it, in love. (Eph 4:15)

•   I will bless, not curse, either in thought to action, those who offend, grieve, or persecute me. (Rom. 12:14)

•   I will seek to speak only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs. (Eph 4.29)

When things unforeseen occur, let me not forget that all comes down from You.

•  I will work to remember that God has a plan for my day and my life, and that God is active in arranging my circumstances for my good and His glory. (Prov. 19:1, Prov. 16:9)

Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward every member of my family, that I may bring confusion and sorrow to none.

•  Family is defined as both biological and those assigned to me by God, discerned through prayer, in my spiritual community. (Eph 4:25)

•   I will seek peace and pursue it in my community, regardless of my preference or feelings toward another person. (1 Pet 3:11). I will not hold grudges or leave a conflict unsolved. (Eph 4:26-27)

•   I will be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (Jas 1:19)

• I will strive in my communication and relationships to be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere, so that as a Christian, minister, and member of my community and family I may exemplify the wisdom and righteousness of God. (Jas 3:17)

Bestow upon me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in all its passing events.

•  In my profession, I will work as unto the Lord, doing all things in the name of Jesus. This means working to the best of my ability, as efficiently as possible. (Col. 3:17 &23).

• When the demands of the day tempt me to despair, I will not. Instead, I will remember that Christ is my strength. (Phil 4:13)

•    I will  aspire to live quietly, and to mind my own affairs, and to work with my hands, so that I may walk properly before outsiders and be able to contribute to my family and community. (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)

•   I will take every opportunity this day affords to care for widows and orphans as they cross my path, and to show mercy to both the poor in body and poor in spirit.

Guide, Lord, my will today and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive, and to love.

Amen

Meditations III

Refine Me
Jennifer Knapp

I come into this place, burning to receive Your peace
I come with my own chains, for wars I fought for my own selfish gains

You’re my God and my father, I've accepted Your son
But my soul feels so empty now, what have I become?

Lord...
Come with Your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Refine me

My heart can't see, when I only look at me
My soul can't hear, when I only think of my own fears.

And they are gone in a moment, You’re forever the same
Why did I look away from You; how can I speak Your name?

Lord...
Come with Your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Come rescue this child, cause long to be reconciled to You...
It's all I can do, to give my heart and soul to You
and pray..... and pray..... oh, I will pray...

Lord...
Come with Your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Refine me

Refine me... Refine me...
Refine me....

Meditations II

Martyrs & Thieves
Jennifer Knapp

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob You blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

Chorus-

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am, I...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

(Chorus)

Can You hear me? (repeat 6x)

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

(Chorus)

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time...

Live Music

I am really looking forward to Brett Dennen and Erin McCarley on Friday.

And I was thinking, with deep gratitude for my musically savvy friends ( him and her), how much incredible music I've had this year. A Paste article inspired me to make one of my top-five* lists.

My Top-5 Shows in 2008

1. Iron and Wine, at The Plaza Theatre in April. There was a version of "Trapeze Swinger" and one of "Resurrection Fern" that a handful of us can't get over.

2. Tilly and the Wall, at the Social in July. People can't get the impact of a Tap-dancing percussion section until they've seen this dancer have the time of her life dancing/playing with a kick-ass band.

3. Manchester Orchestra, at the Social. It's touch to pick a single show, because I saw them three times. They are always great to see, but the worst one was at House of Blues, where they opened up for Say Anything. I think the energy of the January show was best, but I was most familiar with them at the June show. I can't pick, but I do know I'm not the same after getting their discography. They answered my cry a year ago for needing new music.

4. Kevin Devine at the Social, September. It was one of the smallest crowds I've ever seen at The Social, and I couldn't have expected something so intimate. He gave a really meaningful show and had a lot of face time before and after. I really want to be his friend.


5. Coldplay- my first arena show, and I'll probably never see anything like it again. I have been a longtime fan of this band, and I know they're the kind that anyone can like, but they play an outstanding show--fantastic production and musicianship, with a French post-revolutionary Neo-classicist art theme. Amazing.


Honorable Mentions include Band of Horses at a rainy skate park in Tampa, and Inkwell at the Back Booth. These are both good bands, but these shows make the list more for their sociological experiential qualities: One makes the list for introducing me to the violence of hipsters, the other for introducing me to the vile quality of some clubs and openers in Orlando. I'm never again ready for auxiliary percussion and bathroom queues with musician-punting Breanne.


I didn't mention a good HOB show by Jimmy Eat World, because it took place in December of 2007. They are one of my favorite bands, and it is funny to note that Megan was irritated by the garage-band quality of their performance and forswore live music because of it.


* It is important to note that "Top-Five" does not indicate any kind of priority order. In fact, it is quite the opposite: a refusal to pick a single favorite.

Top 50

It being the end of the year, my ipod's Shuffle and I were reflecting on some of our most significant moments. We came up with the following list of our fifty favorite songs this year (give or take a couple of months).

"A Billion Bees" - Kevin Devine
"A Perfect Fit" - Tilly and the Wall
"Bad Education" - Tilly and the Wall
"Big Casino" - Jimmy Eat World
"Cemeteries of London" - Coldplay
"Chase This Light" - Jimmy Eat World
"Colly Strings" Manchester Orchestra
"Deliver Me" - David Crowder
"Disappearing World" - David Gray
"Disintegration" - Jimmy Eat World
"Dream" - Priscilla Ahn
"Faithful to Me" - Jennifer Knapp
"Falling Slowly" - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
"Grapevine Fires" - Death Cab for Cutie
"Gray Room" - Damien Rice
"Hawkmoon269" - U2 (Rattle and Hum)
"His Truth is Marchin On" - Mike Doughty
"How Lucky We Are" - Meiko
"I Was A Cage" - Right Away, Great Captain
"I'm Winning the Race" - Inkwell
"Is There a Ghost?" - Band of Horses
"Lonely" - Yael Naim
"Lord, I Know We Don't Talk" - Kevin Devine
"Love, Come Save Me" - Right Away, Great Captain
"Love, Save the Empty" - Erin McCarley
"Martyrs and Thieves" Jennifer Knapp
"My Sister, My Bride (I'm Taking on Your Hell)" - Alexander
"Nobody Knows Me At All" - The Weepies
"Now That You're Home" - Manchester Orchestra
"Own Me" - Ginny Owens
"Painting by Chagall" - The Weepies
"Peace" - Jennifer Knapp
"Plasticities" - Andrew Bird
"Please Stop Time" - Tyler Ramsey
"Resurrection Fern" Iron and Wine
"Shine" - Shawn Starbuck
"Sodom, South Georgia" - Iron and Wine
"Sorry" - Maria Mena
"Starting Now" - Ingrid Michaelson
"Surely We Can Change" - David Crowder Band
"The Call" - Regina Spektor
"The Chain" - Ingrid Michaelson
"The Funeral" - Band of Horses
"The One Who Loves You the Most" - Brett Dennen
"The Trapeze Swinger" - Iron and Wine
"These Streets" - Paulo Nutini
"Tightrope" Inkwell
"Viva la Vida" - Coldplay
"Where Have You Been?" - Manchester Orchestra
"You Remind Me of Home" - Ben Gibbard

Christmas Carols

Over the years, working retail has demolished all of my appreciation for Christmas music. There are too few songs played far too often. I have noticed them trickle in as early as Halloween!

This year I was fairly successful at avoiding not only Christmas music, but the whole run up to Christmas. As every year, much of this can be blamed by school's end-of-term madness. I miss out on a lot of the season's festivities due to school stress. (It's why I mail valentines instead of Christmas cards). More than ever, however, my season was marked by musical underexposure.

This is significant because the songs I heard and sang at the Christmas Eve service actually meant what they were supposed to--a profound religious reflection of the second most--that's right, second--most important Christian event. Christians celebrate the birth of Christ because it is the miraculous beginning to the story that results in the redemption of humanity.

For me, though, I have always had a hard time connecting stars and livestock and mute infants and local princes to the adult Gospel. Much of the Christmas carols concentrate on what seem to be fictitious or impractical accounts of that night. There was no little drummer boy at the birth of Christ, and it was NOT a Silent Night--it was high-risk medical procedure inadequately performed on a teen mother, likely producing an infant who was cold and screaming, supernaturally announced to a processional of strangers. What teen mother is ready to receive a crowd of strange men hours after she had been through labor in a barn? Add a child with a percussion instrument to the scene and someone will be punched.

"O Holy Night" is my favorite Christmas carol, and by that, I mean one of the few I look forward to hearing. And I wish everyone could hear the one I heard at the service, with my friend Jon adding some really powerful drums. It was breathtaking. The song is already really beautiful, but this the best version I'd ever heard. I like this song, because it IS one of the ones that connects the events of Christmas to the adult Gospel. When people say that the "true meaning of Christmas is Jesus," they still might miss the point if they concentrate his infancy for the month of December. "O Holy Night" explains why the night is so magnificent, and worth everything that we call, on our best days, true Christmas:

O Holy Night -

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

...

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

The song, unlike many of the others, not only reminds us that Christ was born on Christmas, but that He was the Savior to a world that was desperate for it: people in sin and error, those in chains and those who face oppression, a world that is collectively weary of itself. And for those who believe in the Gospel, what happens on Christmas is extraordinary; the moment Christ is born, God's process for real restoration--the kind that restores the worth of a soul--commences and no day is the same after.

The birth of Christ begins a new era in human history, and no matter how familiar the tune, the Truth of this song ensures the song's purpose is not lost: I really do fall to my knees in awe and praise.

Red

I keep meaning to write about my Coldplay show from last weekend, (and I even have some images to post) but I can't seem to get to it. Worse, I'll have another show tomorrow that will also be worth a post. Rats. Two behind now.

I've also been looking at those daily photos, still. It got me seeing, and I took these outside the front door of my apartment. Look! Our own fall colors!

Ramblings

• I just watched the movie Once, and it was as lovely as everyone said. Its earnestness was captivating. As I watched the Dublin scenery, it made me really excited for the trip to Ireland I'm planning. But then I thought the Dublin in the movie does not exist in the touristy city-centre where I'll likely be. I'd have to live there to find it. I remember seeing that landscape in Belfast--gritty, working-class, hardened. I was drawn to it, but as a foreigner, there was nothing to draw me in. And I just wished something that seemed so real wasn't so off-limits to me.
  
  
• I went to a gargantuan book sale today in Gainesville, and I had to quit buying books when, with a box and a bag, I had more than I could physically carry. And, while I'm excited about my finds, the finding and buying them was a surreal experience. Suffice to say I don't suffer crowds well to begin with, and this place was third-world crowded. The prices were so low and the searching was so aggressive, it felt more like looting than buying. And all at once we were the Yahoos from Swift's Gulliver's Travels. I wondered what the Houyhnhnms would think if they saw us. They'd think the hundreds of book grubbers looked like they were digging useless things from the earth for the sake of greed and competition.
  
  But these things were books--and classics and textbooks at that! The very things that are supposed to redeem us from the ignorance that begets greed and mindless competition. It was jarring to see this frenetic tableau paired with and created for its opposite, reading and contemplation. While I wanted to flee the debasing of the Books, I thought they're probably just books, and I bought a box full.
  
  
• I've been wondering what to live for. And the weight of "purpose" resembles the weather--English weather. There are days of brilliant sunshine that soak the wild daffodils, where everything is clear and in sharp focus. Then there are some days of continual, relentless rain with the kind of piercing cold that makes you feel bruised from the inside out. But most days are in the middle, dry but overcast--not darkness but greyness.
  
  
• Today I considered whether I could have / would have been friends with Holden Caulfield. And I don't think so. I think people who cite Catcher in the Rye as their favorite book might have missed the point. That child--and I do mean child--lives in a peculiar hell he made for himself.
  

Not a Stalker, but...

This is my set list from the Inkwell show on Thursday night. At the end of the show, we went to go say hello to the band. The frontman gave it to me, right after I asked him to play a song that makes him miserable--at which point I would have stopped talking to me. He was so personable, and I liked him so much, that the details he shared about his upcoming album made me so excited for him--almost proud of him? I wanted to be his friend.

I felt this way when we saw Billy Collins' reading at Rollins on Tuesday:


I get this urge to be friends with people whom I have no business claiming all the time. And I think it is caused by three things:

First, I really appreciate people who are at the top of their craft--its inspiring. As a teacher, I live to be part of the small accomplishments of my students--I am proud when they excel even beyond what would be a return on my investment. When someone is THIS good at what they are doing, I am that much more eager to be part of it and think I should be because of my routine, small-scale opportunities.

Second, there is that urge to hang on and prolong the extraordinary moments. I have come across this image of "manna" several times this week. I want to be friends with these people because they seem so great, and I feel like I have space for them. But real people are not as great as stage people, nor do they have the space for me. Trying to hang on to the people I find in these shows and performances would spoil in the way that manna did. It's the familiar paradox that what is most worth keeping can rarely be kept.

Third, there is the trill of seeing THE person who MADE the THING that means so much to me. I was this way with the songs and the poems. And seeing these performances live, the reading or the rock show, puts me in the same moment as the person who is making the thing that means so much to me. It meant something to the performer enough to create the song or poem, it meant enough to me to go to see it performed live, and now it means something because the performance makes for a shared, meaningful experience. And somehow I think this shared meaning ought to be enough to make me friends with Kevin Devine, Andy Hull, Travis Adams, Billy Collins, and the rest.

And, yes. I know that telling them that makes me sound like their stalker.

So if you are in one of these places with me, and I start to tell whomever we just saw that they were destined to be my friend (or marry me), please point out my drink is empty and that it is time for a refill.

Because Jen Does

An interactive birthday list:

• A fine art umbrella
• a polarizer
• a subscription to Smithsonian magazine
  
• Moleskine City Books, Boston and Dublin
• Moleskine large plain notebook
• Long-sleeved J-Crew tees, XL
• personalized stationery
  
• anthropologie Aloha candle
• an electric kettle
• New car adapter for my ipod.
  
• a new French Press (mine broke)
  
• anything from my Amazon Wishlist
• stovetop espresso maker
• Prog by The Bad Plus
• Some Cities by Doves
• On the Outside by Starsailor
• NARS lipgloss in Bad Education
• mug trees for my classroom