40-day Bare Face: Day 4 - Reflected

I have to go meet a friend in 25 minutes. I showered this morning, but as I'm finishing my coffee I remember I "still haven't put my makeup on." At the 25 minute mark, it's time to put on my face, find my shoes, put my purse together and make my feeble attempt to get out the door on time.

But, in fact,  I already have my "face" on. And this isn't the first time in the last couple days where a bare face has wrenched my attention toward all of my routines. Toward how I move, when, and why.

Saturdays are the day when a bare face (or something close to it) is most likely to make an appearance.  If I rest, it's on a Saturday and part of that is a low-key wardrobe. It's not uncommon for 3pm to roll around and I still have to "get ready", where I'll put on a makeup look that goes with the jeans, sneakers, and sweater I'm wearing.

IF I rest, it's on a Saturday.

I know enough to realize the problem with that sentence. As Christians, or even just healthy people, we are supposed to abide by God's command to rest, and that's one I usually side-step. In fact, I actively work to disobey that one. I fill my day and week to the brim with many good and wonderful things.

And then I try to stop doing that, and I hate it.  I try to stop doing and try this thing called "resting." At first, I find the downtime as jarring as my reflection when I catch it these days. My whole being revolts against the boredom, loneliness, and stillness of the downtime.

Here is where I'm not going to pretend I'm any holier or farther along on my path. I'm not going to try to tell you I feel liberated by the lenten experiment I'm doing. It would be lying to claim that getting ready to leave is sooo much better without my mascara and lipstick. I really doubt I'll ever be able to say that. I love being a girly girl, and deeply believe mascara and (especially red) lipstick make life more lovely.

But I need the downtime. Desperately. I need to restore order to my space, laundry, head, and heart. I need that as much as I need to understand that the colorful face is not entirely who I am. That Joy and Beauty can be found without what I usually use find them.

What I need on this Saturday is the courage to enter into the discomfort. To not run from the thoughts and feelings that surface when I behold my true reflection. A bare face allows me to get used to my true reflection. But a bare day? That is my only opportunity to behold the true condition of my heart and life and time, and I have to keep my gaze on that reflection no matter how foreign it is or how little I like what I see.

40-day Bare Face: Day 3 - Alive

Confession: I love when I woke up today I could still smell the cigarettes from last night. And that my ears were still ringing--which is probably because I had ended the assault on them only 5 or so hours before I tried waking up. These are signs of a good night.

Last night, after some traditional birthday festivities, we went to do one of my all-time favorite things: go see a friend's band in a bar. Actually the band featured a friend of a friend. But it doesn't matter when drums pound my own heartbeat into submission and the guitarist can't decide if he's playing for Stevie Wonder or Pearl Jam. I'm a happy girl when there's live music (and it's at least decent).

I can't imagine my people in California have had the chance to grasp how much I love live music. My best friend Cassie from college would get it, having pulled me off a band's tour bus. My Florida people (especially him and her) would get it, having traipsed to The Social   or more shamefully, The Back Booth  than two dozen times during my term at the boarding school. I always said that of the very few things I'd miss about Orlando when I left, The Social would be at the top of the list. I haven't been to anywhere even remotely like these places since I moved here.

Last night, at Peri's in Fairfax, I found one. I walked in. When the air of cigarettes and hoppy beer smacked me senseless--when the guitars made me feel like I was on the last lap of the Jericho parade, I knew I was home.

I get so much pleasure from the work and craft of musicians, it feels like I'm stealing. I do absolutely nothing to earn that joy and delight. Music transforms my mind and heart the way reading does. Only with music--especially, live, loud music--there is greater immediacy because that very note is only played once in that very moment, and then it is gone. It's over. Live music- musicians at work--to quote Holden Caulfield, really knocks me out.

There was a different kind of knocked out I felt when I had to face the morning. Ugh.  But I got extra sleep because with a bare face, there are many fewer steps between my empty coffee cup and the door. The trouble is, I'm also missing the cosmetic help to hid the telltale signs of a good night. But I assure you: I feel way more alive than I look.

In the spirit of feeling alive, I'm headed into The City tonight on an ennui-busting expedition to Four Barrel, Humphrey Slocombe, and Phoenix books. My Florida friends are also no strangers to my Friday Night Ennui. And while I might be a stranger to the bare face, I've found that it blends in best with the hipsters on Valencia St.

40-Day Bare Face: Day 2 - Shorn

Happy Valentine's Day.

The visceral response to this holiday really struck me today. I work in an office where I saw--all before lunch-- the full spectrum of all this holiday has to offer:  from a love note delivered every hour on the hour and carefully arranged on (his) desk or florist delivery vans out my window, to the people wearing black making snarky comments about commercialism and feigning to mask envy and resentment with irony and coolness. The magnitude of these responses to a fairly ordinary day betrays there's more going on in our hearts than most of us are willing to admit.

I am having my own response to Valentine's day. First, it's my parents' anniversary. I don't care who you are, it's a big deal when marriages last that long. Second, a couple friends have their birthdays today, one of whom we bullied against his will into celebrating--a kind of thing that warranted a real plan.  Birthdays are a big deal to me, and woe is the holiday that tries to win out over one. Hands down, birthdays take the cake.

Let the record show I actually like Valentine's day. I always have. It would be hard for me NOT to love a day devoted to celebration, appreciation, affection, mail, stationery, chocolate, flowers, and the color red. I consider it National Red Lipstick Day.

(Pictured is the best red lipstick of all time. It's Rouge Dior Rouge Favori from Nordstroms. If I had my way, I'd wear it every day for the rest of my life and then be buried in it. Note: If I look great--and more important, thrilled to be alive--I am most surely wearing this.)

Today, though, is Day 2 of the 40-Day Bare Face. My lenten fast rules out wearing my favorite way to mark the day I like with what I love. I feel like I lost something--like something was taken from me and now I'm noticeable and exposed. One might think that the red lipstick would make a woman noticeable and exposed, and it does, but this is not that kind.

Noticeable and exposed--bereft.

I feel shorn.

I came across a French proverb that translates, "God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb".

And today seems to be a windy one for the shorn.

Sometimes our comfort isn't in stilling the wind. Sometimes it's in  trusting that even that which cuts cruelly is only a cool breeze--one that's already been tempered by the Good Shepherd.

40-day Bare Face : Day 1 - Fragile

I am undertaking the most intensive lenten fast I've ever done. I am abstaining from a few things, stepping away from a ministry that has defined my days for the last two years, but most obviously, I'm committed to no makeup for the season. There are a couple feast-day exceptions, but today I began the longest time without my lovely mask since I was 13 yrs old. I feel fragile and transparent. I feel like I can't see clearly (or be seen clearly) without my mascara.

But all I want to see is Jesus. I want to see His face when I catch my reflection in the mirror, and hear His voice answer the question, "Am I enough?".

The next few steps on the path of obedience for me are excruciating ones. But I take them with hope that there is beauty beyond them and with faith that this path leads to freedom. Two things today lent language to my head and heart.

First,

" Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

And second, this excerpt from Ch. 7: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, in the Narnia series. This is where Eustace recounts how he went from having been stranded in a greedy dragon's body to his new self in new clothes: 

"I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected:
a huge lion coming slowly toward me.
And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night,
but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer.
I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon,
I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear.
I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it -- if you can understand.
Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes.
And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it."

"You mean it spoke?"

"I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did.
But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me,
so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains.
And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went.
So at last when we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and
on the top of this mountain there was a garden -
trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well. . . .

"Then the lion said -- but I don't know if it spoke --
'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws,
I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now.
So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart.
And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt.
The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of
feeling the stuff peel off. You know -- if you've ever picked the scab
off a sore place. It hurts like billy -- oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass:
only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly-looking than the others had been.
And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been.
Then he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath
now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything
but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I
started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm.
And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again.

...I think you saw Aslan," Edmund said"

More Wonderings & Wanderings

I sent my friend a link to an article on Salon.com. And then I sent her another one, "because it appears today I'm trolling around Salon." She said, "it's fun to see what blog or site you get caught up in by the flurry of "read this!" links posted in various places."

In case I wasn't all up in YOUR feed, here are some things I've enjoyed. 

• Mark Driscoll and the conversation about him are hardly strangers to polar opinions. The promotion of his new book stirred the usual hornet's nests. Christianity and Pop Culture and an interesting comment on it all, though: 
• "We don’t need another post on Mark Driscoll, either for or against. We don’t need to talk about the moral implications of giving away prizes for favorable book reviews, or about detractors that are cruel in their critiques. What we need to talk about are the ways we as Christians need to get off the merry-go-round of vitriol in dialogue, of responding to every mini- and mega-theology debate that appears on our Twitter and Facebook feeds. There is quite enough of this going on." The poor guy then had to actually ask that people who tried to win his ipad giveaway please read the book first.
  
• By Heart is a series in which authors share and discuss their all-time favorite passages in literature.  Rosie Schapp, author of Drinking with Men, reflects on her relationship with William Blake: 
• "But in a quietly perceptible way, my experience of grief shifted, as though the passage told me to live in that grief as long as I might need, that—through memories, through love, through the very impulse to grieve—it was entwined with joy; that stitched somewhere in my sadness—which seemed insurmountable—was a thread of happiness. This time, Blake did not save my life. Instead, he lit a little votive in the small, dark chapel of loss, by whose light I started to see a way through."
  
• when we need women behind the pulpits -
    Preston Yancey blogs about women's voice in church. I have been really struggling with my place in the church and our church lately, discouraged by the unchallenged status quo of microphones for men only. I'm not demanding a microphone, but I am weary of never hearing a voice that sounds like mine. I loved this line:  "I forget that it still seems strange for some to say that what should be at issue is calling not gender and that the Holy Ghost is awfully fond of surprising us and overturning our paradigms."

And the Salon articles that started the morning's wanderings,

• When modems used to hiss
  Google Internet Cache—the Roman ruins of the 21st Century. Jacob Savage waxes nostalgic about coming of age the same time the internet did.
• The baker’s lament ; As a pastry chef, I watched my artwork vanish in seconds. But its ephemerality was also what made it beautiful. 

Wonderings and Wanderings

I rue the demise of Google Reader and its capacity for sharing. I miss my passionate, scholarly community with great taste and interesting attentions.

Lately, I've been finding things online and emailing them to friends, who sort of indulge me here and there by glancing at them. I didn't expect more than that with Google Reader, either, but Email isn't fitting for this sort of casual dissemination.

I thought I'd try something new, based on a blog I've been reading for a while. He does something called "The Weekly Town Crier" where he does sets of links of interesting internet things, and I enjoy them. He mostly posts on Fridays. I can't say how regular I'll be, but maybe if I consistently did this, it would lessen the inbox burden I can sometimes create for you.

Enjoy!

• Foo-Fighters frontman Dave Grohl  talks about a documentary that inspired his music career, while he's promoting an interesting one he made himself. I loved this quotation: "I honestly believe if you had more stuff, like music documentaries, or live performance shows, that people would be more involved and love music more. Because you can see that it’s people.” Yes. Music isn't must music. It's people.

• California-based mega-retailer Amoeba Music, the last big record store on the block, has moved into the digital age with both feet, with its inauguration of a revamped website. And possibly the most intriguing element of that site, and a direct reflection of Amoeba's dig-deeper philosophy, is the so-called Vinyl Vaults section -- thousands of rare and out-of-print LPs, 78s and 45s that flow through the company's three outlets in any given week -- now available for sale via download. READ THE REST here.

• Why Men Still Hate Going To Church - An article in Leadership Journal makes a few suggestions about what we need to do to make church more palatable to men. An excerpt that stuck out to me: "I get more pushback from men who are well-established in the church than I do from women. Women sense the need. Women see their husbands bored. They see their sons dropping out. They see their brothers irreligious. They sit on the pew with nine other women. They know the situation on the ground."

• An insane surfer sets the world record for tallest wave ever surfed. This was amazing.
  

• A famous article in the Atlantic about Introverts that mainly started the conversation about introverts and extroverts, and its follow-up piece about the dating life of introverts and extroverts. The woman in this TED talk about the Power of Introverts is less belligerent than the Atlantic guy is, but I'm really stuck on the subject of Introversion and Extroverts because of the bizarre chemistry of our leadership team. My friend Nathanael would dislike most of these because they work in stereotyping and don't really address the complexity of the relational and internal worlds of both introverts and extroverts.
  

• My friend Troy  thinks about Henry David  Thoreau and Facebook today: "Much of the time, when I look at Facebook (or Twitter, or Instagram, or whatever other social medium), I end up wondering what the point is. Did I learn anything? Did I add anything of value to my life? We live in a time when instant (or near-instant) communication is viewed as a great achievement, a time when almost everyone has the ability to say almost anything to almost anyone...I should say: I'm not a Luddite. But I am worried about something that I think Thoreau points to here, to our inventions being "pretty toys" and "improved means to an unimproved end," and I think we'd all be better served by a serious consideration of the ends, than by a fascination with the newest means."

• The Clocks at Grand Central Station Are Permanently Wrong, And they're that way on purpose. I loved this. But my clocks are also all wrong.
  
  
  
  
• A new band I found, The Lone Bellow, covers a tune by John Prine, another folky new favorite. This is a good introduction to them both. The Lone Bellow covers John Prine's "Angel From Montgomery".  --There are some tight harmonies and a good percussive guitar style that make re really excited for what 2013 holds for these guys. They are trying what Delta Rae was going for, only they do it better. You may also really like their track "The Two Sides of Lonely". HERE is the review of their album in PASTE magazine.
  

• This list is hilarious. It has Marvin Gaye, the Beatles, Dave Matthews.. Some of these are really spot-on. Sort of a Rorschach Ink-blot test for music nerds. What Your Favorite Record as a Kid Says About You Now

•  Avant-garde musician Beck Hansen recently produced a new “album,” Song Reader, that was not released in stores or via mp3 files. Instead, he released the score and asked his fans and other musicians to upload their interpretations of the score for others to hear. The tagline on the website says, “Only you can bring Beck Hansen’s Song Reader to life.”  THIS author thinks all this is somewhat of a metaphor for what God did for us with the scriptures. Thoughts?

Prayer and Ethics

Personal Ethical Statement

As a minister, member of my spiritual community, and follower of Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God and Savior of the World, I believe I am called by God to proclaim His love. I am also called to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God each day. (Micah 6:8). As I move through each day, I follow the path of conduct as revealed to me by scripture and when I pray the Orthodox prayer of the Optina Elders. I adopt the following principles so that by further prayer, practice, and self-discipline, and reliance on Grace, I may testify to the love of God and become a worthy example for those I seek to lead and serve each day.

The Prayer of the Optina Elders

Grant unto me, O Lord, that with peace of mind I may face all that this new day is to bring.

•    I will set apart Jesus Christ as Lord of this day and all of my activities, events, and relationships. I will be prepared to give an answer to any who ask about the peace I have in my day. (1 Peter 3:15)

Grant unto me to dedicate myself completely to Your Holy Will.

• I shall give my undivided love to God. (Deut. 6:5) I will not spend this day pursuing the false idols of wealth, comfort, security, or power.

• I will pursue the path of obedience. This includes yielding to God as He speaks to me, in accordance with the guidance He has already provided in His Word. I believe all Scripture comes from God and is useful in discerning His will and instructing others in that discernment.  (Ex. 20, 2 Timothy 3:16). Wherever possible, I will use scripture to guide my own behavior to the best of my understanding, and I will counsel others by its teachings to the best of my understanding so that we may be in accordance with God’s will.
• I will yield to the authorities instituted by God for my own safety and well being, because they can guide me toward the will of God.  (1 Pet. 2:13-17). This includes the civil government (Rom. 13:1-11),  church government (1 Tim. 2), family government, and community relationships (Heb. 10:24-25, Eph. 5:21)

For every hour of this day, instruct and prepare me in all things.

• As a Christian, minister, teacher, and member of my community, I commit to regular and sufficient time for development of intellectual and spiritual capacities. This includes study of the bible, current thought, and the expressions of the human experience as found in art, music, and literature so that I may better apprehend God’s nature and its daily revelation to people; and so also that I may use my skills, talents, and gifts to bring glory and honor to Christ and my community.

•  I will manage my time, resources, relationships, and gifts so that I can maintain vitality in my ministry as well as physical, emotional, mental, and relational health in my family and community. (Eph. 5:15)

Whatsoever tidings I may receive during the day, teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm conviction that all eventualities fulfill Your Holy Will.

•   To the best of my ability, I will respond to the events and news of the day with peace, grace, hope, joy, and love, through prayer and practicing the presence of God.

•  I will not complain (Phil 2:14) and I will rejoice and offer prayers of thanksgiving in response to ALL things. (Phil. 4:4-7)

•   I will communicate with others in a way that facilitates their tranquil acceptance of the events and news of the day, humbling considering the needs of others as I discern where and how to speak. (Phil. 2:3)

Govern, Lord, my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.

•   I will make every effort to be self-controlled and alert, preparing for action, and controlling my thought life so that I may grow in peace and obedience, both internally and  by my actions. (1 Pet. 5:8, 2 Cor. 10:5)

•   I will make every effort to speak the truth, as best as I understand it, in love. (Eph 4:15)

•   I will bless, not curse, either in thought to action, those who offend, grieve, or persecute me. (Rom. 12:14)

•   I will seek to speak only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs. (Eph 4.29)

When things unforeseen occur, let me not forget that all comes down from You.

•  I will work to remember that God has a plan for my day and my life, and that God is active in arranging my circumstances for my good and His glory. (Prov. 19:1, Prov. 16:9)

Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward every member of my family, that I may bring confusion and sorrow to none.

•  Family is defined as both biological and those assigned to me by God, discerned through prayer, in my spiritual community. (Eph 4:25)

•   I will seek peace and pursue it in my community, regardless of my preference or feelings toward another person. (1 Pet 3:11). I will not hold grudges or leave a conflict unsolved. (Eph 4:26-27)

•   I will be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (Jas 1:19)

• I will strive in my communication and relationships to be pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere, so that as a Christian, minister, and member of my community and family I may exemplify the wisdom and righteousness of God. (Jas 3:17)

Bestow upon me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in all its passing events.

•  In my profession, I will work as unto the Lord, doing all things in the name of Jesus. This means working to the best of my ability, as efficiently as possible. (Col. 3:17 &23).

• When the demands of the day tempt me to despair, I will not. Instead, I will remember that Christ is my strength. (Phil 4:13)

•    I will  aspire to live quietly, and to mind my own affairs, and to work with my hands, so that I may walk properly before outsiders and be able to contribute to my family and community. (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)

•   I will take every opportunity this day affords to care for widows and orphans as they cross my path, and to show mercy to both the poor in body and poor in spirit.

Guide, Lord, my will today and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive, and to love.

Amen